Defining Success
It all depends on your goals
About two years ago, I was talking on the phone to my brother about pursuing our musical projects and how to prepare people who want to follow a creative endeavor. He said, “I think you just have to let yourself be fine with being unsuccessful.” I laughed, and he said, “I’m serious!” After I thought about it for a second, and we continued to talk for another couple minutes, what he was saying really started to sink in. And it’s not limited to creativity; in all of life, not getting depressed about where you’re at is really important.
But, to quote Drew Daniel in Weird Music, “A lot rides here on how you’re going to cash out success. Do you mean popularity or do you mean artistic success?” As an artist, it’s easy to feel like you’re dripping small drops into an abyss; without the elusive rewards of money and popularity, it’s essential to have another goal if you want to continue making art. It’s also important to keep in mind that the appetites for popularity and money are insatiable. No matter how much rolls in, you’re always going to look at the people ahead of you, wanting to be in their position.
One of my recent goals has been to finish things and release them. If I finish anything and put it into the public sphere, I feel like that’s a certain level of success. Even if it goes out there and does nothing, at least I overcame the obstacle of getting myself to stop poring over it.
But I wanted to share a story from one of the last shows I played, that to me illustrates some important facets of how we think about success. About a month ago, I played four shows in the south, and the last one was a house show in Fayetteville, NC, hosted by Bee and Brett (their artist names are b.gr8ful and RTHBNDR, respectively). They both performed that night, as did singer Devined Beauty and rapper James Vader.
While we were getting ready for people to show up, Brett was saying that he wasn’t trying to get popular or make money, his real motivation for playing was to try to give other people the experience that he’s had when he’s seen his favorite artists perform. I didn’t say anything out loud, but inside I was thinking, That’s what I’m talking about.
I played last that night, and every time I play it’s a big question mark as to whether people will stay or not. There weren’t very many people there the whole night, and my set had about ten people watching. Immediately, though, I could feel the full attention of everyone in the room. While I played I was noticing people’s eyes and heads darting between all the elements of the performance: me, two TVs, and a projector.
When I finished, Devined Beauty said, “I thought it was just me,” and the next day posted an Instagram story calling the performance an out-of-body experience. James Vader said, “Oh man, I was about to cry,” and then immediately bought a tape. I don’t even know if anyone clapped. I ended up hanging out with everyone who had stayed and having in-depth conversations about the real issues of practicing art. People were quoting pieces of the interviews back to me, telling me how struck they were, and then going into their personal experiences with those same issues.
As I was packing up at the end of the night, Bee and Brett were talking about how much they’d enjoyed the evening and, even though there weren’t very many people or much money, they hoped I’d had fun, too. I pointed at Brett and said, “You were saying earlier tonight that the whole reason you play music is to give other people the experience that you’ve had watching your favorite artists. And that’s the thing. That’s the whole point. And I feel like I really got there tonight. So yeah, it was awesome.”
Am I rich and famous as a result of this show (or any of the others that I’ve played solo or in bands)? Fuck no. I gave up the goal of making money off my art like 15 years ago. As Joan Frank says in her piece “Ready or Not” that we published in Talking Writing a couple years ago, “fame and fortune seem to have long ago missed the freeway turnoff to my house.” But if my goal was to communicate through art and create a resonant experience for others, then this house show was a complete success.